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Micks 2 years, 4 months ago.
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Why is there disabled parking spots outside ice-skating rinks?
According to a
solicitors letter in
my neighbour’s wheelie bin,
“I’m a stalker.”Went to a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said:
“Be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity”
‘So I left without paying!!..George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died.
Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?” Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers.
The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn’t hesitate. “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”
The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
George W. looks bewildered, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs, “Come on in, George.”
Journalist: How does it feel Mr Edison to have failed so many times?
Edison: <span lang=”en-gb”>I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.</span>
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I was at the supermarket and ran into an old friend. I told him that I’m married now and he asked if my wife was out shopping with me. “She is,” I said… “Look down that aisle, do you see that absolutely stunning blonde with the firm muscular bum that’s looking at the gluten-free yoghurt ?…. …. Well, my wife is that big enormous fat cow lady standing a bit further down!!</span>
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Queen Elizabeth and Princess Kate are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they’re driving breaks down. The driver has to go for help, and while he’s gone some scumbags come across the disabled royal couple. “Ain’t you the Queen?” She confirms she is. “Where’s your tiara?” She tells them she left it at home. ” Just my luck! Ain’t you the Princess tho?” Kate says, ” Yes.” “Where’s that bloody big Sapphire from your hubby’s mum?” She says she left it at home. “BUGGER! I guess we’ll just have to take the lovely car then. C’mon now! Out the car! Step lively and keep walking or there’ll be hell to pay, you snooty bastards!” They shuffle down the road a bit and the Queen says to Kate, “I know you were wearing your ring! What happened to it?” She replies with a blush, “I hid it… Up there…” pointing to her crotch. The Queen chuckles. Kate says, “But my Queen, I know you were wearing your tiara when we left!” Her Maj confesses that she hid hers too… In the same location. Without a second’s hesitation Kate says, “Dammit! If Camilla were here we could’ve saved the fu**ing Bentley!”</span>
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm and I gave her superglue by mistake.
She’s still not talking to me!Walking around our town centre I saw a missing cat poster which said:
‘Missing from the town centre area:
our 3-year-old cat Tiddles
(pictured).
He is recently neutered, wears a collar with a bell to alert birds, and is on a vegan diet.’
Underneath someone wrote: ‘
And you’re surprised he pissed off?’I helped my neighbor out with some heavy lifting yesterday and she said to me ‘I could marry you!’
I couldn’t believe it, you go out of your way to help and be nice and they threaten to ruin your life in return!!
I went to the card shop yesterday and said, “Do you sell bereavement cards?”“Yes we do.” replied the assistant.“Good,” I said, “could I exchange this ‘Get Well Soon’ card for one?I called my doctors surgery this morning.“I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible,” I said, “everything in my ear is echoing.”“Ok,” she replied, “How does tomorrow sound?”I said, “Morrow, orrow, row, ow.”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Paddy was walking down the road when he seen Sean O’Riley rowing a boat in the middle of a paddock, he calls out to him and says. “O’REILLY it is Irish People like you that give us Irish a bad name, if I could swim I would come out there and kick your arse.” </span>
Deep in the forest are two trees growing together. A beech, and a birch.One day, a small tree begins to grow between them. The birch says to the beech, “Do you think that’s a son of a birch or a son of a beech?”The beech says “I don’t know if that’s a son of a birch or a son of a beech.”Just then a woodpecker landed on the small sapling. The birch asked the woodpecker, “Woodpecker, you’re a tree expert. Is that tree you’re on a son of a birch or a son of a beech?”The woodpecker pecked the sapling a few times then looked up at the birch and the beech. “This sapling is neither a son of a birch or a son of a beech. It is, however, the best piece of ash I’ve stuck my pecker into before.”The Angel of death came to a Pastor and said, “I am here to take your life”
The Pastor replied, “But I’m not ready!”.
The angel of death said, “Well your name is the next on my list”.
“Okay why don’t you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before you take my life ?”.
“All right ” replied the angel. Then Pastor gave him some food with sleeping pills in it, the angel finished eating and fell into a deep sleep.
Pastor took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put it at the bottom.
When the angel woke up he said to the Pastor.
“Because you have been so very nice to me, I will start from the BOTTOM of the list” …
And that my friends is the story of my life!!<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Advice please. I have a mercedes c350cdi auto and I’m having problems with the gears. In the Daytime I put the gear stick in D and it drives normally, but then at night time I put it in N and it just revs and won’t move. It’s driving me bananas, if I need to drive at night I have to use my wifes manual car. Help please</span>
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me because she calls me her sixty second lover.
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Certain things should be left in childhood, like the childhood prank of posting shit through someone’s letterbox. As a kid you might get told off and grounded but as an adult the consequences are even worse. Not only did I get a police caution but I lost my job with Royal Mail.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span></span>All this recent rain has been no good for my open air restaurant business.People were taking at least 3 hours to finish their soup!!I went into the estate agents looking for a flat earlier..After talking it over with a pretty estate agent, I came away with a semi
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