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Micks 2 years, 4 months ago.
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If anyone wants to come around and see my poor carpentry skills, my door is always open
Helen was distraught after calling off her engagement to Simon and decided to write him a letter as follows…Dear Simon,I am writing to tell you that I have been unable to sleep ever since I broke off out engagement.Won’t you please forgive me ?Not being able to hug you anymore is breaking my heart.I admit now that I was a fool.Nobody can take your place.I really still love you so much.All my undying love,HelenP.S Congratulations on winning the Lottery!!.This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him.He interviewed three people. The first, Mick, came in and said, “I want to sell Bibles for you.” “OK, you’re hired. Here’s your kit; go sell!”The second,Seamus, came in and said, “I want to sell Bibles for you.” “OK, you’re hired! Here’s your kit; go sell!”The third, Paddy, came in and said, “I- i – I wa – wa- wa-want t-t-t-to s-s-s-ell, Bi – bi – Bibles, f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you!”“No,” shouted the man, “this will never work! You can’t sell Bibles…..Paddy replied, “B-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, need tthis job!”As there were no other applicants, the man said, “OK, I’ll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to show immediate RESULTS!”Mick comes back and reports, “I sold 8 Bibles today.”Seamus reports: “I sold 11 Bibles today.Paddyreports, “To-t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!” “Great,” says the man. “However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!”At the end of the second day,Mick comes in and reports, “Today, I sold 32 Bibles.”Seamus reports, “I sold 44 Bibles today”Paddy reports, “To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi-Bibles.”“Fantastic,” said the man, “since you’re doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don’t you tell them what your sales technique is.“I-i-I j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, walk, up to up to them and ask, them… and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-if they want t-t-o-o- -b-b-b- buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to rrr read it to ’em?”You should never take the piss. My mate was taking the piss out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on the other day.The bloke had the last laugh though.Sentenced him to three years.I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics.So I stopped going.Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.An Australian, a German and a Tallaght man are in the bar. They’re staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He’s so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: ‘My God, it’s Jesus!’Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Becks. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement: ‘My God, the arthritis I’ve had for thirty years is gone. It’s a miracle!’Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager.As he lets go, the man’s eyes widen in shock. ‘Strewth mate, the back pain I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s a miracle.’Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God.‘What’s wrong?’ says Jesus.The Tallaght man shouts, ‘feck off, I’m on disability benefit!Paddy went to the dentist. As he sat in the chair the dentist said “How’s the mouth?”Paddy said “She’s still in bed!”The internet is a breeding ground for fraud, petty scams, theft, racism, homophobia, misogynism, whinging, crying, cheating on your partner, grassing, and generally being an obnoxious twat.Yes, it’s an online Liverpool<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Anybody on here with knowledge regarding noisy dishwashers? I’ve tried flowers, chocolates and wine and she’s still moaning!</span>
“Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. “It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state! ”I’m glad to hear you say that,” replied Mick, with a sigh of relief. ”Everybody else says it’s all my feckin fault!”
My missus said if you won millions on the lottery would you still love me? I said of course I would love and id think about you often and even write to you occasionally
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.“Oh no, sir, we don’t sell them in the States, they’re a health hazard!”“Okay,” I replied. “I’ll just take these two assault rifles then.”A young woman goes into confession, she says, “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. My boyfriend came over while I was babysitting and we started kissing. One thing lead to another and he… Well he wanted..” and the young woman hesitated. The priest asked the woman, ” my child, did he take you against your will?” To which she replied, “Oh no Father, it was against the China cabinet and boy did those dishes rattle!”
Is it okay that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school.
Or does that make me a bad teacher?Checkup”Paddy goes to see his doctor and asks : “Do you think I’ll live to be a hundred?”His doctor asks Paddy “Well, that depends…Do you drink?”Paddy says,”Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soft drinks too. I just drink plenty of fresh water.”“Do you smoke?”“No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke.”“Do you eat a lot of sugary and greasy foods?”“No, sir! I carefully watch my diet and caloric intake, and I’m sure to eat plenty of vegetables.”“Do you go to parties? Stay up late? Are you sexually promiscuous?”“No, not at all! Early to bed and early to rise! And abstinence is key.”Paddy says proudly.!!The doctor raises an eyebrow at Paddy, and asks,”So… Why exactly do you want to live to be a hundred?” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
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<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span><span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Bob, a 60-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?” Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”</span>
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My rather large girlfriend decided to take an aerobics class, She bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour. But, by the time the fat cow got her leotard on, the class was over!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span></span><span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Two camels, a father and son are grazing. The younger camel looks up to his father and says “Dad! Why do we have these giant humps on our backs?” The father camel looks down on the son and says. “Why, so we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water.” The young camel looks astonished and says “Wow, I didn”t know that!” A few minutes later, the younger camel pips up again “Dad! …Why do we have really thick eyelids?” The older father, rather agitated by his son”s curiosity, answers quickly. “So that our eyes are not scratched by sand storms. “Wow!” The young camel says…Another minute later and the father camel hears his son again. “Dad!”. “What now!” The father camel asks. The son then asks. “Why do we have huge feet?” “Well son.” The father camel starts. “We need to tread through the sand and out feet are big so we can travel much easier…”A few minutes pass before the father hears his son again. The father camel, clearly agitated turns round. “What!?””Dad…. What the hell are we doing in Dublin Zoo then?”</span>
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”The graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”I was playing scrabble with the wife last night, and I am sure she is making words up.
What the hell does ” foreplay ” mean anyway?
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