HomeForumsGeneralJokes & HumourJoke of the Day

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  • #33565
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    Micks
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    As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said “Have a good day, son”
    “Don’t call me son. You are not my dad”, I replied sarcastically
    As the doors closed, he looked me in the eye and said “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?
    #33567
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    Micks
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    Boris johnson – “Some parts of Britain there are 3 generations of families where nobody has ever worked..
    He’s either referring to Buckingham Palace or Liverpool…!
    #33570
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    Micks
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    <span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Montana must have the only truly humane mountains in the world. I was driving thru a mountain pass and they had a sign that said pass with care. I was astounded I had no idea mountain passes could have feelings!</span>

    #33572
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    Micks
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    There was a ruckus going on down the street.
    One of the rioters threw a brick through our kitchen window and hit my wife on the head, knocking her out. I ran outside and chased the bastard down. I dragged him back to the house and pointed to my bloodied wife in a heap on the floor.
    I pulled out a knife and said, “It’s time to face the consequences of your actions.”
    Shaking, he said, “What are you going to do?”
    “Me?” I replied, handing him the knife. “I’m not going to do anything. YOU’RE going to finish making my sandwich.”
    #33575
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    Micks
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    Paddy and English George were in a pub. George says to Paddy, “if you had to choose between money and knowledge, what would you pick”. Paddy said money. George laughed and said “you Irish, I would have picked knowledge”. Paddy calmly replied, “good choice George, I lacked money, but you being English you lacked knowledge.

    #33577
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    Micks
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    A giant gorilla gatecrashed the world table tennis championship in China last night… The local media reported the event by saying ….
    There was a King Kong ding dong at the Hong Kong ping pong!!
    #33579
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    Micks
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    <span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Paddy and Mick have been planning a holiday but Covid has been stifling their plans. Paddy says he’ll go see what he can do. He comes back with a box of tampons. Mick asks what the hell are these things? Paddy replies “Well apparently if you use these you can swim, scuba dive, play tennis and golf and you can’t do any of these things right now.”</span>

    #33584
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    Micks
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    <span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Paddy asked his girlfriend for a clue as to wot he was getting for his birthday . She winked at him and said it starts with F and ends in UCK . “Oh my god” said Paddy “I’m getting a Firetruck!!</span>

    #33586
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    Micks
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    Some guy in the pub said, “I went to see my doctor today. He diagonised me with a disease which will ruin my sexlife forever.”
    “What?” I asked. ” gonorrhoea? chlamydia? Aids?”
    “No,” he replied. “I’ve got arthritis in both hands.”
    #33590
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    Micks
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    BBQ RULES:
    Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
    (1) The woman buys the food.
    (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
    (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
    (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
    Here comes the important part:
    (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
    (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
    (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
    Important again:
    (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
    (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
    (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
    And most important of all:
    (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
    (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!!.

    #33591
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    Micks
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    Jamaica enters the Vaccine race with their
    RASTA ZENICA
    It’s not as affective as the others, but after the second dose you don’t care a fuck anymore!!
    #33593
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    Micks
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    William Shakespeare went to get vaccinated.
    Nurse: Which arm?
    Shakespeare: “As you like it.”
    Nurse: Was that painful?
    Shakespeare: “Much ado about nothing.”
    Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.
    Shakespeare: “Measure for measure?”
    Nurse: So, how was the experience?
    Shakespeare: “A midsummer night’s dream!”
    Nurse: So what do you think of the govt handling of Covid?
    Shakespeare: “Comedy of Errors.”
    #33595
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    Micks
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    <span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>An alcoholic wakes up in jail. He asks the first police officer he sees “why am I here?” The officer replies “for drinking” The man replies “great, when do we start?”</span>

    #33597
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    Micks
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    I was writing my Autobiography into the wee small hours and fell asleep face down on the page. When I woke up the ink had fused the pages onto my skin and I couldn’t get them off.
    That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
    #33600
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    Micks
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    I have liver disease caused by years of heavy drinking. My wife said I should go to BUPA, but I did the complete opposite….
    I went to APUB !
    #33601
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    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
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    <span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Arsenal have decided not to participate in the European Super League. They are starting their own breakaway league with just themselves. The bookies currently have them as second favourites to win it!!.</span>

    #33603
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    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
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    I went to one of those positive thinking classes last night. . .
    It was crap

    #33605
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    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
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    Paddy left very rural Ireland and went to work in London, leaving behind his aged parents, with strict instructions to write home as soon as he was settled in his digs.
    Weeks passed and then one day a package arrived with a letter. It said
    “Dear Mam and dad, I arrived safely and quickly settled into my new digs. The landlady is very nice and I felt at home at once because she even had a photo of me in my room which I’m sending ye to see how well I’m doing”.
    His mother opened up the package and out fell a small hand mirror. His father picked it up and looked into it and said,
    “I’m worried, sure he’s aged an awful lot since he went to England “.
    The mother stood behind her husband and looked into the mirror and said,
    “You’re worried, no wonder he’s aged so much, look at the old biddy he’s feckin shacked up with!”.
    #33607
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    Micks
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    Confucius say …
    Man who run in Front of car get tired.
    Man who run behind Car get exhausted.
    Man with one Chopstick go hungry.
    Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money.
    Baseball is wrong … Man with four balls cannot walk.
    War does not determine who is right,War determine who is left.
    Wife who put husband in doghouse Soon find him in cathouse.
    Man who fight with Wife all day get no piece at night.
    Man who drive like hell Bound to get there.
    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
    Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
    Crowded elevator Smell different to midget.

    #33609
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    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772

     

    <article>

    I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. And guess what?
    It wooden start.

    </article>

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