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Micks 2 years, 4 months ago.
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“A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes.”“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull-shittin’ me!”The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>So as I was sitting on the sofa my missus sweetly whispered. “The best part about all this is that I get to spend more time with you “…As I looked over lovingly I realised she was talking to the dog.</span>
A 17 year-old boy came home with a brand new Jeep 4×4.His parents look at the Jeep and ask, “Where did you get that 4×4?!”“I bought it today,” he says.“With what money?” says his mother.They knew what a new Jeep cost.“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just £20.”The father looks at him like he’s crazy.“Who would sell a truck like that for £20?” he says.“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her 4×4 Jeep for £20.”“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly weeding the garden.He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Jeep for £20 and asks to know why she did it.“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Jamaica with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and your Jeep?”“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new Jeep and send him the money. So I did.” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><article>I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes, 4- leaf clovers and rabbits’ feet earlier, trying to get it up a hill.
I thought, “He’s pushing his luck!!..</article>
Reading the Millionaire’s Last WillA lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.‘To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and 2 million,’ the attorney reads.‘To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and 1 million.’‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin, Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.’‘Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!’Trevor, the farmer, was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’ and eight or ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the stock pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favourite rooster was old Boris, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Boris’s bell hadn’t rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor’s amazement, Boris had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Boris, he entered him into the West Berkshire County Fair and Boris became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The Result – the judges not only awarded Boris the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise.
Clearly Boris was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
Do you know a Pulletician called Boris?A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husbandThe fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…the husband became 92 years old.The moral of this story:Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female…..A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up” ” Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pjamas.”The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pjama’s like I asked you to Do?”The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box.” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Thought I’d try a new gadget out. It’s a golf ball that rolls itself into the hole if it gets within six inches of it. I thought it was a good idea until I put one in my back pocket!</span>
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I sang like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…A group of men & women waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,“I want you to make two lines:One line for the men who were true heads of their own household“The other line for the men who were dominated by their women.”“I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their own household, there was only one man.God said to the long line,“You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have all been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”God then turned to the one man,“How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”The man replied,“My wife told me to stand here.”!!I’ve sure gotten old! …I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Tommy Cooper was an hour late for a Theatre performance he was giving and said to the angry Theatre Manager, I was on time but then came across sign at the escalator saying “Dogs must be carried”. The Theatre Manager said “And?” To which Tommy replied “It took me ages to find a dog!”</span>
I just rang alcohol anonymous…..I Told them I was worried I didn’t have enough beer in the fridge.
They’re quite rude, aren’t they…?Little Johnny is sitting in front of the TV watching a program about NASA.“I wish I could be shot into space,” he said.“You would have been if your father had done what he was told” replies his mother!
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>One Sunday morning, my wife and I were having a nice quiet breakfast when I suddenly said to her, ” When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately.”. ” Now why would you want me to do that my dear,” she replied. “Well, I figured a woman as fine as yourself would remarry one day, and I’d hate some other asshole using some of my stuff.” She looked at me intently and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole.?</span>
The teacher was telling the kids about the Birds and the Bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest in Heaven.
Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher,
“Are you sure about the Stork bit, Miss..?
“Cos I think you’re getting your birds mixed up ‘cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a….
“ Shag in Scarborough!!A guy sits in a taxi and sees his wife entering a hotel with another man, and tells the driver, “Do you want to earn $5000 right away?”
The driver excitedly said, “What do I have to do?”
“Bring my wife by the hair out of that hotel, here’s a picture of her.”
After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, while kicking and beating her and puts her in the Taxi.
And the husband says to him, “This is not my wife.”
The driver replied, “Nooooo, this is mine, hold her for me. I’m going for yours!”A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, “Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, “Will I be acquitted?”
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