This topic contains 1,005 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by 
Micks 2 years, 3 months ago.
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Guys, if you’re trying to meet a cool woman, look for a gal out walking her dog.She’s active, clearly has great taste in animals AND she’s already prepared to pick up shit off the street – this is your chance:I was talking to another coworker by the water cooler one day.I said, “A mate of mine tried to make a new kind of car.He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from a Jaguar, the tyres from a Mazda, and the exhaust system from a Renault…”The other coworker replied, “Really? What did he get..?”“Ten years..!” I replied
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My ex said “you remind me of the sea”, I asked if it was because I am deep stormy and tempestuous. She said “no, you make me sick “</span>
I was sitting at the bus stop this morning when this midget girl took a seat next to me and started telling me the latest celebrity gossip and some interesting factsI thought to myself, “this must be the little bird everyone gets their information from….”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My wife said to me: “You just can’t see the forest through the trees, can you?” “You got that right” I replied, handing her the razor, “I think it’s time you shaved it.”</span>
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Mick is driving along the road and spots Paddy walking along. He stops and winds down the window, “Paddy, would you like a lift?” “No thanks, Mick. No need ….. I live in a bungalow.”</span>
I remember the teacher said to me “The essay you wrote about your dog is word for word the same as your brothers”?“Of course it is” i said. “Its the same dog”
Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain,“You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens,” he said to the local police officer.“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”So the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said:SCHOOL CROSSINGThree days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said,“You’ve still got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”So again, they put up a new sign:SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAYThat really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said,“Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?”In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said,“Sure. Put up your own sign.”The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack,“How is the problem with the speeding drivers, Did you put up your sign?”“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.”The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down.So he drove out to Farmer Jack’s house.His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign . . . .NUDIST COLONYSlow down and watch for chicks !!A first grade teacher, Mrs Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?”Johnny answered, “I am too smart for the first Grade.My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too.”Mrs Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office.While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”Johnny: “9.”Principal: “What is 6 x 6 ?”Johnny: “36.”And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade.”Mrs Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him, some questions?”The principal and Johnny both agree.Mrs Brooks: “What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?Johnny, after a moment “Legs.”Mrs Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”Johnny: “Pockets.”Mrs Brooks: “What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?”Johnny: “Coconut.”Mrs Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?”The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge…..Johnny: “Bubblegum.”Mrs Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?”The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer…..Johnny: “Shake hands.”Mrs Brooks: “Now I will ask some ‘ Who am I’ questions, okay?”Mrs Brooks: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”Johnny: “Tent.”Mrs Brooks: “A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.Johnny: “Wedding Ring.”Mrs Brooks: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?”Johnny; “Arrow.”Mrs Brooks: “What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?”Johnny: “Fire truck.”The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,“SendJohnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”I went into a Chinese takeaway last night. The owner of the shop said, “What do you do for a riving?”I said, “What do I do for a living? I’m a bit of a comedian.”So the Chinese chap says, “Go on then, change colour.”I said, “No! I’m not a chameleon, I’m a comedian.”So then he says, “Tell me a joke, make me raff.”I said, “You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?”Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, “Wok! Wok!”And he said, “Who der?”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.” Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”</span>
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hr & then she hung up.“Wow! Said her Dad”. That was short, u usually talk for 2 hrs. What happened?.“Wrong number”, the girl replied!I was visiting a mate when I noticed that in the window of his neighbour, there were 2 blokes standing in the window.I asked my mate what the go was and he replied, “They’re just my neighbours Kurt and Rod…!”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>There wasn’t this much fuss when Pfizer marketed Viagra was there? Although a lot of women took it very hard.</span>
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, “I have a 45 calibre colt 1911 with a 7 round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife”.A voice from the back of the room called out,“You’ll need more ammo”Have you noticed that most of the cleaning products are either Mr Sheen, Mr Muscle etc....and yet women complain Men don’t do any cleaning around the houseTwo 90 year old men, Micky and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Micky visits him every day. One day Micky says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”Joe looks up at Micky from his death bed and says: “Micky, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.”Shortly after that, Joe passes on.At midnight a couple of nights later, Micky is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Micky… Micky…”“Who is it?” Asks Micky sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”“Micky It’s me, Joe…”“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe.” insists the voice.“Joe! Where are you?”“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”“‘Tell me the good news first,” says Micky.“The good news,” Joe says, “is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”“‘That’s fantastic,” says Micky. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? ““You’re in the team for Sunday “A bus load of Swedish tourists were travelling through the Australian outback when the bus broke down…….
The driver grabbed his tool kit, opened the bonnet and began tinkering with the engine…….
He had all sorts of tools, and was testing every component…..
The prettiest of the tourists was 22 year old Ingrid who claimed to be an apprentice motor mechanic from Stockholm…….
” Do you want a Screwdriver ”
” We might as well Ingrid, the bus is fukked and we are going nowhere!!6 months of lockdown with your wife has ended…..
You are offered a 2 month all expenses paid cruise through the Bahama’s , or a steak on a barbecue with with your best mates……What would you choose?
Rare, medium or well done?-
This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Micks.
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