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Micks 2 years, 4 months ago.
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‘I’m a really good drunk,’ my wife told me, ‘I don’t get into fights, I’m not hurtful.’ I said, ‘No, you save that for when you’re sober.’<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”
Man: “Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”
Judge: “Proceed.”
Man: “I got lost in the woods. I hadn’t had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”
Judge: “The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.”
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: “Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?”
Man: “Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.“Did I come out of mum’s tummy?” asked my son.“Yes mate.” I said. “I know it’s hard to believe but five years ago that’s where you were.”He looked at my missus slouched on the settee. “Dad? Are there still some people in there?”At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . “In fact”, he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society”.After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery”, asked the couple?“Because I am the artist, who painted the picture”, he replied, “In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch”My young Son was terrified there was a Monster under his Bed,So I sat him down to reassure him.“Timmy, the Monster under your Bed has gone now and he’ll never bother you again.”“Really..? Are you sure, Daddy..?”“Yes, Son,” I repliedHe’s most probably been Eaten by the Giant seven foot Killer Clown living in our Attic”..Seems to have Worked,*Cos, he’s gone really quiet now!!<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Teenagers Saul & Rachel were sat on a park bench watching the sun going down over Tel Aviv. Rachel said “Penny for your thoughts?” Saul said “I was thinking, we’ve been stepping out together for 3 weeks but I haven’t had a kiss from you yet.” Rachel obliged by planting a kiss gently on his cheek. They sat for a while and Rachel said again “Penny for your thoughts?” Saul replied “I was just thinking, it would be nice to have a cuddle.” Rachel responded by embracing him and Saul lay his head on her shoulder. A few minutes elapse then Rachel says once more “Penny for your thoughts?” Saul replied “I’m thinking, we’ve been stepping our for 3 weeks, I’d like to feel your hand on my leg.” Rachel responds by laying her palm on his thigh and leaves it tantalisingly near his crotch. After a few minutes Rachel looks at him amorously and again asks “Penny for your thoughts?” Saul replies “Rachel, I was just wondering when I’m going to get the three pennies you already owe me?”</span>
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Paddy was in France and was invited to a dinner party where chicken is being served. The French host comes across the wishbone and calls everyone to attention. He holds up the bone, breaks it apart and asks his guests, “Now, what historical figure does that remind you of?” Nobody had an answer. Very proudly, he said, “Bonaparte!” Paddy was very impressed with this and when he returned home to Ireland he decided to have a party and told his wife to serve chicken and to make sure that wishbone was on his plate. Calling his guests to his attention, he held the bone up, broke it in two and asked, “Now which historical character does that remind you of?” Nobody had an answer. Very pleased with himself, he said, “Napoleon!”</span>
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”And God saw it was good.On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”And God, again saw it was good.On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”And God agreed it was good.On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,the ten the monkey gave back,and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.Life has now been explained to you.There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Paddy & his wife are searching their teenage daughters room, they find a packet of fags. Paddy crys ” oh lord our daughters a smoker.” Minutes later they find a bottle of vodka. Paddy crys ”Saints preserve us our little girl is an alcoholic!” Next they find a packet of condoms ”GOD help us” shouts Paddy. ”She’s got a. Dick</span>
I said to the barman, “Can I have a triple whisky.” He said, “Are you ok?” I said, “No, I lost my best mate today.” He said, “I’m sorry, did he suffer much?” I said, “Yeah, the church wedding was fucing horrendous.”
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Being a doctor and a married man with kids, it feels like I’m living two lives. In one life there’s medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours. And in the other life I’m a doctor.</span>
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Sex education classes in schools should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching frigging peppa pig on repeat!</span>
Harley Davidson is closing many of its Plants Due to Declining Sales. Apparently, the Baby Boomers all have motorcycles, and Generation X is only buying a very few and the next generation, the Millennials, aren’t buying any at all. A recent study was conducted to find out why?Here are the reasons why Millennials don’t ride motorcycles, and why sales are down:1. Pants won’t pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.2. Can’t get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.3. Can’t use 2 hands to eat while driving.4. They don’t get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.5. Don’t have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.7. Motorcycles don’t have air conditioning.8. They can’t afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.9. They are allergic to fresh air.10. Their pyjamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.14. It’s too hard to take selfies while riding.15. They don’t come with training wheels like their bicycles did.16. Motorcycles don’t have power steering or power brakes.17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.20 It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.22. Their man bun wont fit under a helmet.<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I love Halloween… seeing the looks on the kids faces as they bite into their toffee onion..</span>
Apparently Melania was also taken to hospital once she heard the news Trump had the virus.For plastic surgery, to take the smile off her face<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My wife phoned me. “There are two men standing outside,” she whispered in a panic. “I think they are going to break in to our house.” I said, “If they force their way in, don’t let them have anything good. Ok?” “Ok, ok. I’ll try my best!” she cried. I said, “No television. No Xbox, none of my expensive shirts. Ok?” “Ok, ok!” she shouted. “But–my goodness, honey, what if they ask me for sex?” I replied, “That’ll be fine. I said ‘anything good’.</span>
I asked my wife if she’d like a diamond necklace for her birthday.She said “nothing would make me happier!”…..So I got her nothing instead….<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else’s wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, “What made you change your mind?” The man says, “In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to ‘Thou shall not commit adultery,’ I remembered where I left my wallet!”</span>
I was clearing out my late German Grandfather’s closet.
And I decided to give all his Old Clothes to a Charity Shop.
I handed over the Bag of Clothes to the shop assistant who was rummaging through it.
When a horrified expression formed on her Face.
“How dare you bring this Uniform in to my Shop” she exclaimed angrily.
“This is a Sick Symbol of Pain, Shame and Humiliation”..?!?!?
Hugely embarrassed at this turn of events, I quickly took back the Bag.
“I’m truly sorry” I said.
*
“I had no idea he was a Man Utd fan”..?<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I had to go to the doctors today. “Hey Doc” I said, “I’m here because I’ve been getting these terrible headaches recently.””Hmm. Have you been drinking enough?” he asked. “Yeah” I replied, “I downed 2 cans in the waiting room.”</span>
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