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Micks 2 years, 3 months ago.
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paddy’s wife awakes during the night to find that her husband
is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
coffee in front of him.<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a
sip of his coffee.
‘What’s the matter, paddy?’ she whispers as she steps into the
room. ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’
paddy looks up from his coffee, ‘I’m just remembering
when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were
only 16. Do you remember back then?’ he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how
caring and sensitive her husband is. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.paddy pauses. The words were not coming easily. ‘Do
you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat
of my car?’
‘Yes, I remember,’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.
paddy continues. ‘Do you remember when he shoved
that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my
daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?’
‘I remember that, too’ she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says….
‘I would have fekin got out today!….lol</span>In Heaven Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn’t think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off. “Why, Peter,” Jesus said. “You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need.” As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane. As the man neared, Jesus said, “Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?” “Well,” replied the man, “I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.” “We would certainly love to have you,” said Jesus, “but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?” “Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself,” said the man. “I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son,” he continued, “now HE was special!” With pride in his voice he said, “I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he’s known throughout the world and loved by all alike.” As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, “Father!” Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, “Pinocchio?”
Boris Johnson walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?”
Johnson: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister.
Cashier: “Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and<span class=”text_exposed_show”> requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
Johnson: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: “I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Johnson, “Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.”
Cashier: “Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?”
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank…there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier: “Will that be large or small notes , Mr Johnson. ?….</span>My mate has just watched the Chernobyl documentary. He actually grew up in the Ukraine in the 1980’s and was able to count at least 9 historical inaccuracies on one hand!
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been marriedOn and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, …………..But I fish on Fridays!!I went to the tattoo artist and asked if he could do me a tattoo of a beautiful woman?He said: “No problem sir….where would you like it?”Me: “On the wife’s face!!”The Queen hosted a garden party yesterday attended by Prince Andrew,Andrew approached the Cake Stand and was asked if he would like to try a Brownie..???He politely declined.But said,*“If there’s a Girl Guide going spare, he’ll have one of them instead!!”Why Teachers Drink……………………
The following questions were set in last year’s school exam. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds):
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt,pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important.Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs ..
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow.(Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U
(wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.(brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head!!..A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob,’ where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted ‘The Knob.’
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young <span class=”text_exposed_show”>
looking and vibrant. </span>After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
‘All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.’The doctor looked at her closely and said, ‘Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.’
She said, ‘Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.’
BREAKING NEWS:
As of Monday all postmen will be working from home. They’ll be reading your letters and call you if it’s anything important!!..
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
“We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive”
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva L<span class=”text_exposed_show”>a France” and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.</span>It’s with great sadness I have to inform all my family n friends that in the early hours of this morning my much loved turkey has passed away.
Due to the coronavirus situation the funeral will be at mine around 12.30 /1pm on the 25 December .
As we have a limit of 30 at present including the turkey please let me know ASAP who will be attending. Obviously Covid-19 restrictions will apply.
No flowers please if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and aunt bessie’s Yorkshire puddings will do .
Please note starters and puddings are already sorted. Also some alcohol will be greatly appreciated!I took a scenic flight over Liverpool yesterday it was my first time in an aeroplane.
And we were heading towards New Brighton when the pilot had a heart attack and died.
So I got on the radio and told someone that the pilot was dead and he asked me what was happening with the plane?
I said we are flying towards New Brighton and it’s my first time in a plane and its flying upside down.
He said if it’s your first time in a plane how do you know it’s upside down?<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
I said because the shit is coming out of my collar!!!</span>A bloke from India has moved in next door to me, he says hes has traveled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears, climbed the highest mountains and eats vindaloo. It comes as no surprise he`s name is Bin dair Dundat!!
I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom of the stairs ..I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear off
I crept upstairs very quietly………It was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on a fucing bus!!.
Giving the wife a lift, we were stopped by a police officer.He said ” Excuse me but could I see your licence”.The wife shouted to the officer.“Now look here you, I’m in hurry, so don’t you start annoying my husband when he’s had a drink”.
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Nasa plans to put a woman on the moon by 2024. It would have been 2022 but they need two more years to develop an automatic gearbox for the lunar rover.</span>
A woman’s anger is like a ”Check Engine Light” There is no way to figure why it came on. Just ignore it & hope it goes away!
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