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Micks 2 years, 3 months ago.
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The Mother-in-Law came round this morning . I knew it was her because next door’s Rotweiller was whimpering . I let her in the hallway and she started ( Always criticising the old bat ! )
She pointed to a frame on the wall and said ‘Oh ! I suppose that hideous painting on the wall there is what you call Modern art?’
I said ‘No Mother-in-Law . It’s the new MIRROR!’500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away. Therefore, in the meantime, only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This probably explains why ‘Smith’ is the most common name in the phonebook.
NEWS: “The Duke and Duchess of Sussex will give up using their Royal Highness titles and return £2.4m to the taxpayer to cover the costs of refurbishing their Windsor home.” Fuk me, as soon as a bit of normal DNA is introduced into the mix they start to behave like decent human beings. Who’d have guessed? Thanks Mr Hewitt!
Paddy says to Mick “I found a pen, is it yours?” Mick replies,”I don’t know, give it here.” He then tries it and says “Yes it’s mine.” Paddy asks, “How do you know?” Mick replies. “That’s my handwriting!”
There once was a magic Mirror and if you told it a lie you would disappear. So A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde tried it out.
The Brunette goes up and says, ” I have the best lookin eyes in the world” And POOF. She disappeared.
The Redhead went up and said, ” I have the best legs in the world” And POOF. She disappeared.
Finally the Blonde went up and said, ” I think…” And POOF. She disappeared.
Three chinese brothers.. bu, chu and fu all wanted to live legally in america, they changed their names to sound more american…bu changed to buck, chu changed to chuck and fu went back to china.
Rum and Water
A man drinks a shot of rum every night before bed.
After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She decides her course of action.
So, she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water, and the other with rum. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box.
She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
She puts a worm in the rum, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”
He responds by saying: “If I drink rum, I won’t get worms!”</span>A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?
Bought some chicken at the Chinese takeaway today,It was tough as elastic. I went in and said “Your chickens Rubbery
He said thank you very much,,,
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, ” Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to t<span class=”text_exposed_show”>ake off his hat during mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”</span>
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn ‘s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?”
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ‘ and that reminded me where I left me hat.”
I asked the barber’ the other day, ‘What kinda cut would make me look handsome ??
‘He said a power cut’ !! ..<span class=”_4yxo”>went for a Chinese meal last night</span>
<span class=”_4yxo”>but I ordered from The Specials board,</span>
<span class=”_4yxo”>and</span>
<span class=”_4yxo”>got too much foo yung.</span>Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when,on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.
Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, ‘ If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?
‘NO! ‘ the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, the answer was ‘ NO!
If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?
Again, they all answered ‘ NO!
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘ Then how can I get into heaven? ‘
A little boy shouted out: “YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ‘ DEAD….”
……………………….It’s a curious race, the Irish.
10 years ago I became addicted to Viagra, I was taking up to six tablets a day.
It was a habit that I found difficult to stop, but with help and support I have been clean for over two years.
It was hard when I stopped and it is still hard today !
A Jewish girl flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods. He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically. “Stop, stop!” she screamed. “Don’t worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain’t going to hurt you” he explained. “No, it’s not that, could you turn the meter off first?” she replied.
What’s the difference between in laws and outlaws.
Outlaws are wanted.
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