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Micks 2 years, 3 months ago.
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As I sat in the living room my five year old shouted at me from the back door.
“I can’t hear you if you’re shouting from outside.” I said.
Again, he shouted back.
“I told you, I can’t hear you from there. It’s rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room.” I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
“Dad, I’ve got dog shit all over my shoes!!
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave’s wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, “Did you see anything under the table that you liked?” Jeff admitted, “Well, yes I did.” She said “you can have it, b<span class=”text_exposed_show”>ut it will cost you £100.”</span>
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn’t, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the £100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, “Did Jeff come by this afternoon?” Totally shocked, Sandy replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.” Next Dave asked, “Did Jeff give you £100?” Sandy thought, ‘Oh hell, he knows!’ Reluctantly she said, “Yes, he did give me £100.”
“Good,” Dave says. “Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the £100 from me and said that he’d stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It’s so good to have a friend you can trust!!..
Crimewatch…
48 year old shopkeeper Javed Ali was brutally stabbed and after 2 weeks lying in a coma his family had to make the agonising decision.
To shut the shop and go visit him in hospital..
Prostitute says to paddy do you want to sleep with me for 50 quid.
Paddy says well i’am not really tired but i could do with the money!!.
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a
Woman In a brand new VW Golf !! Doing 90mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
Still working on her makeup. As a man, I don’t scare easily..
But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked
the sausage roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten my car using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell Into the coffee
between my legs, which splashed and burned “Big Jim and the Twins”,
ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an Important call…
FUKING Women Drivers!!..
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in his life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.
Two nuns went to shop at the market. They were taking so long so one said
– Sister Mary it is getting dark and we are so far away from the convent.
– I know Sister Rose but there is a man following us.
– Oh! What does he want.
– To rape us.
– What can we do.
– Let’s separate. You go left and I will go right.
– He followed Sister Rose.
– Sister Mary reached the convent and was worried.
– After an hour Sister Rose appeared.
– What happed?
– I started to run and so did he.
– And then?
– He caught up with me.
– Oh my God. And what did you do.
– I lifted up my dress.
– Sister! And what did he do.
– Dropped his pants.
– And then?
– Its obvious isn’t it.– A nun with her dress lifted up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
If you thought of a different ending
Pray 188 Hail Marys and 320 Our Fathers and ask God to clean your filthy mind.And Don’t send this back to me as I am still praying.
The year 2020 in review so far:
Harry & Meghan leave the royal family.
Prince Andrew abolished from royal duties for being a nonce and it’s swept under the carpet.
World war three nearly breaks out after Donald a Trump orders airstrike killing Iranian chief.
Corona Virus threatens to wipe out half the worlds population.
Philip Scholefield comes out as gay and his wife is right behind him…
With a strap on
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”
The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14”.
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “FukYou!”
Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”
Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to
dance in the rain..Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:
You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:
“How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever.”
“10 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd guy)“Well, your honor, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever.”
“50 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”
“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your asshole before prison….”Over Breakfast One Morning
Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.He suddenly said, ‘Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.’
‘Now why would you want me to do something like that?’ Mary asked.
‘I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don’t want some other arsehole using my stuff…’
‘What makes you think I’d marry another arsehole?”
Paddy and Brigitte, a middle-aged couple, had drifted apart and the end of their marriage came one Friday night over a plate of fish and chips.
“It’s no good Brigitte, this marriage is a sham, I’m leaving you. I may be 57 years old but I’ve met a 19 year old who wants to be with me and I want to be with her”, said Paddy proudly.
“Well, well, well”, replied Brigitte scornfully. “She’s welcome to you. By the way, I’ve met a gorgeous young man of 19 who goes for older women. I may be 57 as well but he says I’ve got the body of a 25 year old. So, stuff you, Paddy, and just remember this. 19 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 19”!
The fella next door took going to jail really badly,He refused all offers of food and drink,spat and swore at everybody,and even smeared the walls with his own shit.
Thats the last time i ever ask him over for a game of Monopoly,,,
VRSenator065
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The fella next door took going to jail really badly,He refused all offers of food and drink,spat and swore at everybody,and even smeared the walls with his own shit. Thats the last time i ever ask him over for a game of Monopoly,,,I really did lol
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