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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!” so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!” and rode off.“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant.“Nothing,” the woman answered “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”A man who is a train conductor murders 5 people.He is sentenced to die in the electric chair.A few years later, his day has come and he’s asked what he wants for his last meal.“A dozen bananas”, he says.The man sits and eats 12 bananas one by one.Shortly after, he is strapped in to the electric chair and when the switch is pulled, the machine lights up and is clearly working, but seems to have no effect on the man.Engineers come in and look it over and everything is working perfectly.They pull the switch again and again, there is no effect on the man.After much deliberation, it is decided that his sentence was carried out and they have to let him go.He once again finds work as a train conductor.Awhile later, the man murders 5 more people.He is once again sentenced to die in the electric chair.He’s asked what he wants for his last meal.“A dozen bananas”, he says.The man sits and eats the 12 bananas one by one.Shortly after, he is strapped in and the switch is pulled.No effect on the man.They check the machine and it’s working perfectly.They pull the switch again.Nothing.It’s once again decided the man has to be let go.On his way out, the warden stops him and asks the man how eating a dozen bananas keeps him from being electrocuted by the chair.“The bananas don’t have anything to do with it”.“I’m just a bad conductor”…I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ‘’I could marry you!’’, I couldn’t believe it.You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
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</span><span id=”jsc_c_19r” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>A nun went into an off licence and asked for a bottle of whisky.“Whisky?”, the assistant asked, “I thought you nuns didn’t drink!”“We don’t”, the nun replied, “This is for the Mother Superiors constipation!”She bought the whisky and left.Later that night the assistant saw the same nun dead drunk on a park bench.“I thought that was for the Mother Superior’s constipation?”, he said.“It ish!”, she replied, “When she sees me like this, she’ll shit herself!”I took 2 of those new sleeping tablets that I bought online but they had absolutely no effect on me whatsoever, what a waste of money.Anyway I have to go, need to do some last minute Christmas shopping!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
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</span>Just been round my Gran’s and opened our presents..My 5-year old son got a bottle of Jack Daniels, lucky bastard!!...I got Spider Man pyjamas which are way too small for me!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>Some differences between American and UK English.You say jelly we say jam. You say Jell-O we say jelly . You say chips we say crisps. You say fries we say chips. You say garbage we say rubbish. You say freeway we say motorway. You say gas we say petrol You say President we say bumbling fat incompetent dickhead.A 75 Year Old Man talking to his penis,
We were born together , grown up together , enjoyed life together ,
Why did u die before me ?Wasn’t paying my wife much attention , as it was her birthday I decided I would give her a ring , that started another row Because I rang her from the pub.
She stood outside the door, her suitcase down by her side, as I pleaded with her one last time…“Don’t leave me, darling! Don’t throw away all those years we’ve shared together”“It’s too late!” she replied, “you’ve insulted me for the last time”And with that she turned, picked up her suitcase, and wobbled out of my life forever!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.I asked the guy taking the tour “What’s that machine?”“That’s the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it’s 99.5% accurate. It’s controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop,” he boasted proudly.“What happens to the letters after it’s finished sorting them?” I asked.“We give them to a bloke on a push bike.” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.At a Breaking morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philandererIsosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.“When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would havegiven us more fingers and toes.”White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.Tim used to get a box of raisins in his lunch every day.And every day, Bob one of his classmates would bother Tim.“Hey, Tim, gimme somma your raisins.”Bob would go on and on until Tim gave Bob some raisins.One day Tim had a small lunch and was really hungry and told Bob to forget it. Bob grabbed for the raisins and they spilled out onto the floor.Tim was livid and saved the box.That night Tim filled the raisin box with rabbit droppings and glued the lid shut so that it looked like a new raisin box.The next day Bob came around as usual “Hey, Tim, gimme somma your raisins.”Tim threw the box full of rabbit droppings to Bob.Bob greedily ripped open the box and poured a few into his hand.Bob notices the unusual appearance and says: “These dont look like raisins.”Tim smiles and says: “Those are smart pills”.Bob eats a few and says: “They taste like shit”.Tim says: “See? They are working already”My grandad turned 81 last week and I’m livid. Nobody’s really celebrating though, after my grandad said “It’s just another day. Like, what’s another year?”I’ll tell ya.A bloody long time when you’re waiting for your inheritance!!..A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.‘That’s a serious step,’ he said. ‘Have you thought it out completely?’‘Yes,’ his young son answered. ‘We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.’‘How about transportation?’ the father asked.‘I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,’ the little boy answered.The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, ‘What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.’‘We’ve thought about that, too,’ the little boy replied.‘We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!’My 8 year old grandson just came running down the stairs shouting at the top of his voice,”Grandaaaaad, Grandaaaad, don’t get me a bike for Christmas.” I said, “Why ?”He said, “I just found one behind the wardrobe.” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span id=”jsc_c_hy” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle– which no longer works– and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.“What are you doing” she asked.“I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.”Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun!”Pat and Mick were playing bingo. Pat kept looking over Micks shoulder saying “You’ve got that number mark if off, you’ve got that number mark it off” After putting up with this for some time Mick got annoyed and said “Why don’t you do your own sheet”? – Pat replied “I can’t its full”!!!!!!!!…lol<span id=”jsc_c_g0″ class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>My mate Cameron just told his wife that he had sex with another woman..She said, “Can you please repeat that for me..”He said, “Sure, I’m seeing her again tomorrow night…!”The neighbour’s over the road have a christmas light that is doing my head in!!It’s this little yellow box with a flashing blue light which lets out a continuous AND LOUD beeping noise!!!I went round to complain, but they’re not in…and they’ve left the fecking door wide open!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>
