This topic contains 1,005 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by 
Micks 2 years, 4 months ago.
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I was serving this smug git in a suit in Burger King when he asked, “So, do you enjoy your job then?”“Yeah, it’s ok,” I replied.He said, “I’m designing a robot that, in years to come, will take your place.”“Yeah? Good luck teaching it how to spit,” I said, handing over his burger!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>I discovered that by answering the door naked deters trick or treaters.
Oh here’s 2 more………
Dressed as coppers!!..Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.“Did you get that for your birthday?” he asked. “Nope,” Jimmy replied. “Well did you get it for Christmas then?” Johnny asked. “…Nope.”“You didn’t steal it, did you?” “No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they ‘doing the nasty’.Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch.He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents’ room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; “What do you want now?”“I wanna watch,” Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and keep quiet, then.” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I Had the police knocking on my door at 3am this morning.. They said “we’re looking for a man with one eye”.. I said, “use them both, u’ll find him quicker”</span>
I think my local garage is ripping me off, does anyone else think £500 for a Tesla exhaust is a lot?
My best mate at school was born with with 14 fingers and 18 toes. whenever I struggled at maths I could always count on him.
Two newlyweds quickly realized their marriage wasn’t working and filed for a divorce. The judge asked them what the problem was….The husband replied, “In the five weeks that we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on a single thing, she contradicts everything I say”….The judge turned to the wife: “Have you anything to say”…..?She answered, “It’s been six weeks, your honour”……!<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I was in my car the wife rang and said where are you, I said im on the M6 heading for Liverpool,She said be careful its just been on the news some idiot is driving the wrong way on the M6 I said its not just one theirs hundreds of them,,,</span>
Cheeky little feckers round here! A young lad just knocked my door and said, “Trick or Treat?” I said, ”And what have you come as?” He said, “A werewolf.” I said, “but you haven’t got a costume on, you’re just in normal clothes.” He said, “Well it’s not a full moon yet is it dickhead.”
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I went to my Barber,sat on the chair and said “I want you to make me look drop dead gorgeous” My Barber looked at me,without a word opened a drawer,took out a glass and a bottle,of Vodka poured some into a glass and she started to drink ..<span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span></span>I have no luck with women, even the bouncers at my local nightclub call me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Trying to break up with an optician is hard. Every time I tell her I can’t see her anymore, she just moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”</span>
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My brother couldn’t get his head around my mother’s reaction to his pet name for her.. mind you, the “Screaming Skull” was never gonna go down well..that’s when he learned she could boomerang a shoe with the skill of an aborigine</span>
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’Job Vacancy <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span>Because there are only 7 weeks until it’s Christmas I’m looking for a good shoplifter. Must be reliable and be able to follow instructions also have at least 2 years experience. Needs to start straight away. Cash on delivery. No time wasters please!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”></span><span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>The Dean of Women was introducing the newcomers to the college and thought fit to touch the subject of sex morality:
“In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
At the end of the lecture she asked if there were any questions. One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said:
“Could you tell us how you make it last one hour?”…
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My grandson bet me he could make a piece of paper fly farther than I could, so he spent the next 10 minutes making the fanciest airplane I’ve ever seen. You should have seen the look on his face when I crumpled my piece of paper into a ball and launched it across the room!……Sucks to be a loser!</span>
A Chinese man came to India. He took a taxi at the airport.On his way, by seeing a bus, he told the taxi driver, that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese man told the driver, that the trains also run very slow here. In China trains run very fast.Throughout the journey he complained to the driver disparaging India.However, the taxi driver kept mum throughout the journey.When the Chinese man reached his destination, he asked the driver what is the meter reading and taxi fare thereon.The taxi driver replied it is Rs.10,000/-The Chinese was shell shocked after hearing the taxi fare. He shouted “are you kidding? in your country buses run slow, trains run slow, everything is slow. How come the meter alone runs fast?”To this the taxi bro replied calmly,“Sir, …..THE METER IS MADE IN CHINA”A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.The Aussie fumed, “What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”The Indian Doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!”The Chinese Businessman called out “Move it, time is money”The Catholic Priest said, “Here comes George the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”“Hello, George!”, said the Catholic Priest, “What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”George the greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”The group fell silent for a moment.The Catholic Priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”The Indian Doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”The Chinese Businessman replied, “I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls”The Aussie said, “Why can’t they play at night?”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v b1v8xokw oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I bet Eric Clapton only said to his missus “You look wonderful tonight” because she’d tried 25 dresses on already and he was gagging for a pint!!.. <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
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