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Micks 2 years, 3 months ago.
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Hints on how to liven up your idle hours to maintain a healthy level of insanity:
1. At lunch time, sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. watch them slow down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write “For Marijuana”
3. Skip down the street, rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won!”
7. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling. “Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!”
8. Tell your children over dinner.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”And the final way to keep a healthy level of Insanity
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is!!
Roman’s invaded England three times and enslaved English people into slave labour, I would like Italy to apologise before I really get offended or I’m going to riot and destroy Hadrians wall.
A 19 year old lad has been dating a 17 year old girl for a few months. They’ve been to the pictures and return to her home where she lives with her father, mother having passed on several years previously.
They settle down to amuse themselves on the sofa in the sitting room, whilst the old man watches telly in the back room.
Now the girl is a good example, and looks after her Dad: she in turn is the apple of his eye. So naturally, he’s worried sick about her well being and ev<span class=”text_exposed_show”>entually just has to break off from watching Panorama to knock gently on the living room door.</span>
The girl opens it.
“Hi Sue, you couldn’t make me a cup of tea, could you?”
“Course I can Dad,” she replies, and trots off into the kitchen to put the kettle on.
Meanwhile, the old man sits down on the sofa with the lad to have a word.
“Look, son,” he says. “I remember when I was your age, pulling the birds and trying my luck. Thing is, I’m worried about our Sue.”
“Why, what’s up with her?” replies the lad.
“Well, I shouldn’t really tell you, but she’s got acute angina.”
“Oh, I know…” says the lad. “… great pair of tits too!
A Northern Territory farm hand (a Jackeroo) radios back to the Farm Manager.
“Bossman, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a Pig with the Truck. The Pig’s OK, but he’s stuck in the Truck’s Bullbars at the front of my Truck and is Wriggling and Squealing so much I can’t get him out.”
The Manager says, “OK, there’s a .303 Rifle behind the Front Seat. Take it, Shoot the Pig in the Head and it’ll be easier to remove him.”
Five minutes later the Jackeroo calls back, “I did what you said Bossman. Took the 303, Shot the Pig in the Head and removed him from the Bull-Bars. No problem there, but I still can’t go on”.
“Now what’s the problem”..??? raged the Manager.
“Well Boss, it’s his Motor-Bike. The Flashing Blue Light is stuck under the Right-Front Wheel Arch.”
Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, ‘Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!’
The old man said, ‘There is no way you can guess my age!’
One of the Grandmas said, ‘Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.’
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in unison, ‘You’re 87-years-old!’
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, ‘How in the world did you guess my age?’
Slapping their knees, high-fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed…..
‘We were at your birthday party yesterday!!.. </span>I went to see my doctor this morning.
“How can I help you?” she asked.
“I found a lump while I was in the bath,” I replied, pointing downwards.
“Oh right,” she said, “Take your trousers down for me.”
After having a good old feel of my balls for a few minutes, she said, “I can’t feel a lump.”<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
I said, “It’s on my toe.”</span>I was sitting at the computer last night when the wife asked me what a was doing, A told her a was looking for cheap flights, she beamed a great smile and said a love you so much and then gave me the best sex ever.
I found it strange as she’s never shown any interest in darts before.I was telling a gorgeous woman in the coffee shop that I’d recently lost my wife.
She put her arms around me, cuddled my head on her breast and said, “It’ll be alright.”
“No, it won’t,” I replied, “She’ll find me fucing soon.”
The Penis Poem
A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin, it’s smooth and mostly hairless.It starts to grow so quickly when a guy’s about thirteen,<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.</span>It dangles neatly down below; it’s softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it’s ready to uncoil.It seems to have a mind all of its own; it’s like an untamed beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you ‘spect it least.Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn’t.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn’t.During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown – now when did I last measure?Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they’ll see,
But if another glances back at them, there’s no way they can pee!Masturbating is a sin – at least some folks believe.
That’s just some ‘old wives’ tale, ’cause it really can relieve.Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.It has some splendid functions, I’m sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that – to pee!But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot..And better yet, it stays with one, until one’s old and frail.
Don’ pull it out in public though, or you’ll be thrown in jail.Love him or hate him good old Boris isn’t daft is he….
Opens up the barbers and the pubs ,fresh cut and pint or 12 with the lads knowing full well the Mrs doesn’t want to be seen out in public with eyebrows like caterpillars and fingernails like pork scratching’s so he’s kept beauty salons closed so she can stay at home looking after the kids…The bloke’s a genius even if he brushes his hair with a fooking toffee apple!!!The doctor said to me, “I’m sorry, Mr Brown but I’m going to have to amputate your wife’s clitoris.” “Amputate her clitoris?” I replied. “Why? What is it?” He said, “It’s the small bump at the top of her sexual organs which gives her pleasure, but according to her you wouldn’t know that.
The Priest said, ‘Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. ‘
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, ‘Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.’
Sister Mary Katherine said, ‘Hard bed.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ the Priest said, ‘We will get you a better bed.’
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. ‘You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.’
‘Cold food,’ said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. ‘You may say two words today.’
‘I quit,’ said Sister Mary Katherine.
‘It’s probably best,’ said the Priest, ‘You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.’
Dating Katie Price is a lot like Jury service. It usually lasts about two weeks and eventually most people have done it.
The maternity class was full of pregnant women and their husbands. The instructor was saying “Ladies, remember to walk as often as possible. Walking will help strengthen the pelvic muscles and make delivery much easier. Just remember to take breaks when necessary and try to walk on soft ground like grass, or a path. And gentlemen, it would be good if you walked with your wife. Remember, this is a shared experience and will do both of you good.” The room became very quiet when a man in the corner slowly raised his hand. “Yes?” Asked the instructor. “I was wondering if it would be alright if she carried a golf bag while we walked.
Prince Phillip on his 99th, talking to Andrew. “It takes a lot to be the black sheep of this family, but somehow you fucing managed it”
I walked past this little old man sitting on his porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. ”I couldnt help but notice how happy you look, whats your secret for a long happy life? ”
I asked.
”I smoke 3 packs a day” he answered “I also drink a case of whiskey a week,
eat a full fry up every day and I never exercise”. ”Thats amazing” I said “how old are you anyway?” …..”twenty six” he said!!
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine.
He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny.
As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner “Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.”
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out “What’s the matter Jim?” Jim shouts back in a nervous voice:
“Throw me my 7-iron! You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.
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