This topic contains 1,005 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by 
Micks 2 years, 4 months ago.
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Not Married Yet
Sitting in the bar George asked his forty-year-old friend John, “How come you aren’t married?”
John: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”
George: “So what are you looking for?”
John: “Oh she’s got to be real pretty, a good cook and housekeeper, she’s got to know how to handle finances, have a nice and pleasant personality — and money, she’s got to have money, and if she has her own house it wouldn’t hurt either.”
George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!”
John: “Oh, it’s okay if she is crazy too.”
An Irishman walks out of a bar…
STOP LAUGHING !!..
IT COULD HAPPEN !!..
Golf Resort
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one pound. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a pound. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another pound. His room is only a pound a day! The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: £1.00
Dinner: £1.00
Room: £1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: £3,000.00
He asks the Manager, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one Pound, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?”
“I’m sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.”
“Well, said the man, “if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand quid a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!”
“That’s right, sir, you could have,” said the manager. “Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!”
I said to my wife, ” I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son.” She said, “It’s natural.” “Natural?” I replied, “She was giving him crisps.”
“We live in an uncaring society. I was in the park the other day watching an old man feed the birds, and after a while I thought to myself: ‘I wonder how long he’s been dead?'”
My wife sent me a picture earlier with the message, “This is what’s waiting for you when you get home.”
I’m not sure if I’m getting lucky or we’re having chicken.I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.
So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.
I squinted my eyes and shouted, “Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!” But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get the fuk out!!..
Little lad walking down the street at 2am when a copper approaches him… “And where are you going at this time of the night sonny”… the lad says “I’m looking for a prostitute”… The cop asks “Why would you be looking for a prostiute”… the lad says “I want to get a dose of the clap”… “Whatever makes you want that” asks the cop… “Well, If I get the clap i can give it to the maid, the maid can give it to father, father he can give it to mother and mother can give it to the gardener coz he’s the bastard that killed my tortoise!!..
A CHRISTMAS PANTOMIME
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.
One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. ‘Mist all chucking frighty!!!’ said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in… Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.
‘Who’s fust jarted??’ asked the prandsome hince. ‘Blame that fugly ucker over there!!’ said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
Now that’s what we call a bucking frilliant tittle lale!
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This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Micks.
I went on a blind date last night.
I asked,”Do you like Peppa Pig?”
She said,”Yes.”
I said,”Waiter,can we have some pepper over here please?”.
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the
positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a
frozen carburettor.
Last year on a bitterly cold winter’s day, a motorcycle cop
on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face
helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
“What’s the matter? asked the cop
“Carburettor’s frozen,” was the terse reply.
“Piss on it. That’ll thaw it out.”
“I can’t,” said the biker.
“OK, watch me closely and I’ll show you.” The cop unzipped and promptly
warmed the carburettor as promised.
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local police station received a note of thanks
from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began: “On behalf of my daughter Jill………”.</span>I recently had to use a public phone box in London, and was shocked to see a card advertising advertising a ‘Spanking by a naughty nurse, any time’. No wonder my wife has been waiting for a operation for 18 months when these so-called healthcare professionals are willing to abandon their patients at the drop of a hat in order to attend to someone’s sexual lustings.
I remember getting that “gut instinct” when I was younger. After years of drinking now all i get is indigesrion heartburn & reflux
Stephen said to his wife, “I’m getting you something small for Christmas.”
She said, “Is it underwear?”
He said, “Are you feckin’ deaf, I said something small.”The missus just phoned me and the conversation went like this!..
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Her: “You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Her: “Wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds.”<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can see that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: Right..! Those are the Sandals I want for Christmas!!.</span>
My fat obese wife was mad when I told her she shouldn’t wear her high-heels. “What,” she hissed, “I still have the right to feel feminine and sexy, even though I’m on the plus-size !” Anyway, that bouncy castle stood no chance.
Senior Citizen
Yesterday my wife suggested why I didn’t do something useful with my time.She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys of my own age.
I did this, and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a Parachute Club .
She said “Are you nuts? You’re 60 years old and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, “You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!”
I’m in trouble again and don’t know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier
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This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Micks.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by
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