July 4, 2020 at 4:38 am #32483
God went to the Arabs and said, ‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’
The Arabs asked, ‘What are Commandments?’
And the Lord said, ‘They are rules for living.’
‘Can you give us an example?’
‘Thou shall not kill.’
‘Not kill? We’re not interested..’
So He went to the Blacks and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, ‘Honour thy Father and Mother.’
‘Father? We don’t know who our fathers are. We’re not interested.’
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said
‘Thou shall not steal.’
‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’
Then He went to the French and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery.’
‘Sacre bleu…Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, ‘I have Commandments..’
‘Commandments?’ They said, ‘How much are they?’
‘We’ll take 10.’
There you go…that should offend just about everybody!!July 5, 2020 at 4:50 am #32492
Texted the wife – Hi Darling. I’m in the pub with a couple of mates having a quiet drink.. Someone just coughed, so we have all been quarantined. See you in 14 days!!July 6, 2020 at 4:06 am #32498
Just heard on Sky News that there is to be another protest in London tomorrow about coloured cake decorations, police are expecting hundreds and thousands!!July 7, 2020 at 4:07 am #32501
Mary comes in with a brand new bag that looked expensive
Paddy: “Honey; I see you got a new Gucci bag! Where’d you get it?”
Mary: “My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings.”
Next day, she comes home with new, fancy sunglasses.
Paddy: “Wow, those are elegant sunglasses you have on today. Where did you get them?”
Mary: “My boss and I spent some of our leftover winnings on another ticket and won again! Used my half of the winnings to treat myself again.”
The third day; she drives home in new Ferrari.
Paddy: “Let me guess…. you and your boss won the lottery again?”
Mary: “Yes!! Isn’t our luck just so unbelievable right now?? All of this winning has wiped me out mentally. Could you do me a huge favor and fill the bath for me, so I can relax?”
Paddy: “Anything for you, dear.”
Mary comes up to see and finds the bathtub filled with only an inch or two of water.
Mary: “Honey how is this gonna work?! You need to fill it with way more water than this.”
Paddy: “We don’t want to get your lottery ticket wet now, do we?July 8, 2020 at 4:55 am #32503
Dr explaining the pandemic to a coma patient who just woke up……….
Dr: “They shut down the world because of a worldwide pandemic.”
Patient: “OMG! How many people are infected?”
Dr : “About 11 Million.”
Patient: “OMG! 11 million people died?”
Dr: “No, only 500 thousand… Kind of.”
Patient: “What do you mean ‘kind of’?”
Dr: “Well… they keep halving the number of deaths due to double counting, inaccurate tests and mislabeled death certificates. Also, most of the people that die are elderly and dying of other things. There are also people who died because of incorrect ventilator use and other treatments because no-one really understands the virus.”
Patient: “I don’t get it. So how many died from ONLY the virus… like literally dropped dead in the street?”
Dr: “No-one. Only in hospitals and nursing homes”
Patient: “I don’t get it.”
Dr: “Neither do I, it’s a very confusing time.”
Patient: “So they cured the other 11 million people then?”
Dr: “No, most didn’t have any symptoms and in fact they didn’t even know they had it.”
Patient: “I don’t get it.”
Dr: “Neither do I.”
Patient: “It doesn’t sound very deadly. If the other 11 million people didn’t have symptoms then how do they even know they had the virus?”
Dr: “They were tested.”
Patient: “But you just said that the tests are inaccurate.”
Dr: “They are. No-one has isolated the virus so the tests don’t really test for that.”
Patient: “I don’t get it.”
Dr: “Neither do I.”
Patient: “Ok. So when will this pandemic be over?”
Dr: “When they develop a vaccine to stop the virus.”
Patient: “The virus that nobody gets or dies from.”
Patient: “I don’t get it.”
Dr: “Neither do I.”<span class=”_5mfr”><span class=”_6qdm” style=”height: 16px; width: 16px; font-size: 16px; background-image: url(‘https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/te/1/16/1f622.png’);”>😢</span></span><span class=”_5mfr”><span class=”_6qdm” style=”height: 16px; width: 16px; font-size: 16px; background-image: url(‘https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/td0/1/16/1f602.png’);”>😂</span></span><span class=”_5mfr”><span class=”_6qdm” style=”height: 16px; width: 16px; font-size: 16px; background-image: url(‘https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/te/1/16/1f622.png’);”>😢</span></span><span class=”_5mfr”><span class=”_6qdm” style=”height: 16px; width: 16px; font-size: 16px; background-image: url(‘https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/td0/1/16/1f602.png’);”>😂</span></span>July 9, 2020 at 4:08 am #32506
I’ve recently joined a local wine tasting club.
If anybody would like to tag along we meet every day on the benches in the park at around 8.30am!!July 10, 2020 at 5:00 am #32512
The day finally came when the jockey was married to his girlfriend. They had met when she was working as a stable hand and their romance began with a shared love of horses:
At long last, after the reception, they arrived at their honeymoon hotel. Since their relationship until then had been old fashioned and chaste, they were keen to get to know each other much more closely in the Biblical sense.
Initially, there was some confusion about their booking and the manager interven<span class=”text_exposed_show”>ed and said. “We have two suites available. Would you like the bridal?”</span>
“Oh no.” Said the jockey. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.”July 11, 2020 at 5:03 am #32516
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
“Sergeant-Major!” the colonel shouted. “Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.”
“Yes sir,” the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
“Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave,” the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry.
“Sergeant-Major! Haven’t we given this man two compassionate home leaves?”
“Yessir,” the Sgt. Major replies.
“Then what’s his problem, Sgt. Major?” the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, “Sir. It’s you he’s fond of.”July 12, 2020 at 5:37 am #32522
I was sitting in the garden having a beer when my wife stood by the back door.
“You’ve been out there all day,” she said, “Why don’t you come in and spend more time with me?”
“I’d love to,” I said, “But today I’d rather just sit here and relax.”
“I think you’re lying,” she grumbled.
“Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because it’s fucing raining!”July 13, 2020 at 4:19 am #32530
US country trio, The Dixie Chicks, were asked to drop the word ‘Dixie’ from their name as it’s a nickname for the confederate states who promoted negro slavery and may cause offence to some people. They’ve agreed to this and so not to offend anyone have changed their name to ‘Chicks With Dicks’July 14, 2020 at 4:09 am #32537
From July 6th in Wales, grandparents can visit one set of grandchildren, but not the others, and kids can visit one of their grandparents, but not the other. Indeed, grandparents can only visit one of their children and only allow that one child to visit them. There’s no limit on numbers, just one household at the same address. Similarly, one welshman can visit a field full of sheep, as long as they’re all from the same farm. The sheep then can’t see anyone else. Get in quick boyos!July 15, 2020 at 4:35 am #32546
Seamus was in his local in Dublin and started chatting to an older woman. He told her that he was off to London, England the next day to look for work. “Could you do me a favour?” asked the woman. “When you get to London, can you see if you can find my son? He went away over a year ago and hasn’t even written to me.” Seamus said he would help and asked what his name was. “It’s Dunne,” replied the woman, “and he said he was moving to somewhere in London with the postcode WC something. “Leave it to me, Mrs Dunne!” and the next day, he set off. When he arrived in London, Seamus went for a drink in a pub and noticed a door stating “WC”. He went inside and knocked on one of the cubicles. “Are you Dunne?” he shouted. “I am,” came the reply, “but I’ve no paper!” “That’s a lame excuse for not writing to your mam!”July 16, 2020 at 5:09 am #32554
Three boys were sitting on a fence talking. One of the little boys says to the other, “If you could have your body covered in anything, what would it be?”
After thinking for a while the boy answers, “Silver.”
“I could peel it off and buy that Honda over there.”
The boy then asks the other, “And you?”
“Gold, I could peel it off and buy the BMW sitting over there.”
After a few seconds one of the boys ask the first boy, “Well, what about you?!?”
The boy thought and thought and finally, said very calmly, “Hair.”
Well the other two boys were just sickened and asked…”HAIR???? Why in the hell would you want your WHOLE BODY covered in HAIR???”
“Well”, the boy answered, “My sister has got a little tiny patch of hair and she owns both of those cars!July 17, 2020 at 4:17 am #32556
Usain Bolt can do a hundred meters in under Ten seconds, 9.58 to be exact. What’s even more surprising is Prince Andrew has been known for doing a spot of sprinting. He’s actually really fast too… Finishing in the Teens.July 18, 2020 at 5:59 am #32565
A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier…
Shocked, the cashier asks “What’s this for?”’
The Rastafarian replies “Me here to open a joint account mon”….July 19, 2020 at 6:39 am #32568
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.July 19, 2020 at 6:40 am #32569
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can’t see very well these days.”
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
Doc says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I’ve been living with a hose pipe the past 2 years!”July 20, 2020 at 4:01 pm #32573
Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback, and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size.
The first said, “Wow, that’s some hole. I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.”
The second said, “There’s an old gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
So they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. “Say, you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat?”
The first hunter said, “Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!”
The old farmer said, “Naw, that’s impossible! I had him chained to a gear box.”July 21, 2020 at 5:50 am #32577
I was out clubbing last night, and saw a fat bloke chatting up a fat girl.
She turned him down though. I think she was worried he was just trying to get into her Snickers.July 22, 2020 at 4:55 am #32588
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