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Viewing 20 posts - 721 through 740 (of 1,007 total)
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  • #33518
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772
    Keith Richards once got a tortoise for his birthday:
    He asked. “How old will it get.”
    They told him. “About 300 years.”
    He said. “Now you see why I’m against it, you get attached to such an animal and then it dies.”
    #33520
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    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
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    A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
    He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
    “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
    “No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”
    #33522
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
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    Johnny’s teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
    To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
    Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, ‘E-G-G’
    ‘Very good’, says the teacher.
    Peter says he had Toast, ‘T-O-A-S-T?
    ‘Excellent.’
    Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him: ‘I had Bugger All’, he says, ‘ B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L’.
    The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
    Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
    Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada’s East Coast.
    When it’s Johnny’s turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:
    Johnny, she asks the question ‘Where is the Pakistani border?’
    Johnny replied”The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
    That’s why I got Bugger All for Breakfast.”
    #33524
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    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772
    The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower . . .
    was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me “

    <span id=”jsc_c_ih” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>

    <span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>
    #33526
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772
    I was talking to a fat bird. She said “A lot of guys find plus-size women attractive, what about you? I said “As a matter of fact yes, lots of guys find me attractive too.”

    <span id=”jsc_c_ee” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>

    <span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>
    #33528
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772
    A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”
    “Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”
    “No, mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.”
    “Well, that is being miserly,” the mother agreed, “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”
    “No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.”
    “Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”
    “Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, ‘PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,’ so I flew to Alaska
    #33530
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772

    <span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id” dir=”auto”><span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id”><b>What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynocologist ? One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.</b></span></span>

    #33532
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772
    How a man withdraws cash from the ATM:
    1) Park the car
    2) Go to ATM
    3) Insert card
    4) Enter PIN
    5) Take money
    6) Drive away
    ——————
    How a woman withdraws cash from the ATM:
    1) Park the car
    2) Check makeup
    3) Turn off engine
    4) Check makeup
    5) Go to ATM
    6) Hunt for ATM card in the purse
    7) Insert card
    Hit cancel
    9) Hunt in purse for shit with PIN written on it
    10) Insert card
    11) Enter PIN
    12) Take cash
    13) Go to car
    14) Check makeup
    15) Start car
    16) Stop car
    17) Run back to ATM
    18) Take ATM card
    19) Back 2 car
    20) Check makeup
    21) Start car
    22) Check makeup
    23) Drive for a mile
    24)Release HAND BRAKE
    #33536
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772
    I went into this pet shop & asked the man behind the counter
    “I’m looking for a dog for my wife”?
    “Sorry” he said “We don’t do swaps”
    #33538
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772
    A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
    As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, “Don’t you see the sign?
    It says, ‘Private property – Stay Out!'”
    The golfer says, “I’m sorry I did not see it. That’s my ball over there.
    May I have it, please?”
    The man says, “It’s in my yard and so it’s my ball now.”
    The golfer looks at the man and says, “I think I understand”
    He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.
    The man says, “What did you do that for?”
    The golfer replies…
    “I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls.”
    #33540
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772
    After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
    He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
    ‘What’s up with the big brass gong?’ one of the guests asked.
    ‘It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,’ the drunk replied.
    ‘A talking clock? Seriously?’ asked his astonished friend.
    ‘Yup,’ replied the drunk.
    ‘How’s it work?’ the friend asked, squinting at it.
    ‘Watch,’ the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
    The three stood looking at one another for a moment…….
    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, ‘You asshole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!”
    #33542
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772

    <p data-xf-p=”1″>Husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.:</p>
    <p data-xf-p=”1″>She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.</p>
    <p data-xf-p=”1″>”But why?” Asked the disappointed wife.</p>
    <p data-xf-p=”1″>She hemmed and hawed and said she didn’t want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said. “Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county and well, I’m pregnant.”</p>
    <p data-xf-p=”1”>The wife said. “Look, we don’t want to lose you. My husband and I don’t have children, and we’ll adopt your baby if you will stay.”</p>
    <p data-xf-p=”1″>She talked to her husband and he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.</p>
    <p data-xf-p=”1″>After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay.</p>
    <p data-xf-p=”1″>She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.</p>
    <p data-xf-p=”1”>In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said. “I am definitely leaving this time.”</p>
    <p data-xf-p=”1″>”Don’t tell me you’re pregnant again?” Asked the lady of the house.</p>
    <p data-xf-p=”1″>”No.” She said. …..”I just can’t handle all these damned kids.”</p>

    #33544
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772
    Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
    One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:
    1) It is perfect formula for the child.
    2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
    3) It is always the right temperature.
    4) It is inexpensive.
    5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
    6) It is always available as needed.
    And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
    7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

    <span id=”jsc_c_16j” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>

    <span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>
    #33546
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772

    My girlfriend just walked out of the kitchen, looked at me and said, “I’m afraid that you need to get a new dish washer.”
    I said to myself, “That’s a strange way to break up with someone.”

    #33549
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    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772
    An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time’s sake.
    He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s going at it as best as he can for a guy his age when he asks, “How am I doing?”
    The prostitute replies, “Well, sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”
    “Three knots?” he replies, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
    She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”
    #33551
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772
    A queue waiting for a job on a building site.
    The foreman at the desk shouts ‘Next!’ A man steps forwards.
    ‘Name!’ asks the foreman.
    ‘Marks N Spencer’ says the man.
    ‘I’ve got no time for clowns’ says the foreman. ‘. Next!’
    The next in line steps forward.
    ‘Name!’ again asks the foreman.
    ‘W H Smith’ says the man.
    ‘I told you, no clowns! Next!’
    Next in the queue steps forwards.
    ‘Name!’
    ‘T J Hughes!’
    ‘I haven’t got time for all this nonsense!! Next!!!’
    Next man steps forwards.
    ‘Name!’
    ‘Ken’ says the man.
    ‘Ah, that’s better’ says the foreman. ‘Someone serious at last. What’s your surname?’
    And the man says ‘Tuckyfriedchicken!’
    #33555
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772

    <span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him “Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?” The other guy says “Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’ I accidentally said ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’… so she socked me a good one”. The first guy replied “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife “Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey’ but I accidentally said ‘You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.</span>

    #33557
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772

    <span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My wife was shopping in the ladies’ petite section and she found everything that fit her ! No surprise really, we were on holiday in an American Wal-Mart.</span>

    #33559
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772
    A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist:
    “I would like to put my name in the hat for the forthcoming elections
    to be an Independent candidate.
    The receptionist replied, “Certainly sir Please fill out this form.”
    He was filling the form until he came to the question, ”Are you circumcised?”
    So he asked the receptionist “Is that question necessary?”
    She replied, “If you are circumcised you are not eligible”.
    He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?
    She replied, “To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick”
    #33562
    Profile photo of Micks
    Micks
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    Member since: February 20, 2019
    Posts: 1 772

    <span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql lr9zc1uh a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id” dir=”auto”>Pat and Mick were crossing the bog on their way home from cutting turf, when they found three hand grenades on the heather. “Careful there Mick,” says pat. We will bring them to the Guards and let them look after them. Mind how you handle them or they could explode.” Mick asks, “Supposing one of them exploded, what would we do?” “Arrah “, says pat, “We’ll tell them we only found two.”</span>

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