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Micks 2 years, 3 months ago.
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The wife just called me.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then!!..
It’s always exciting getting a Valentines Day Card shoved through your door, no stamp, just your name on the envelope.
Except, when you’re in prison!!.
Barry had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Barry’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Slick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Barry, stepped out of the boat… and nearly drowned!
Slick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Barry went to see his Grandmother, “Grandma he asked, “Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Barry’s, troubled eyes and said, “Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya feking idiot!!
I called a lady who owed me money and she didn’t pick my calls. I called 10 times and still no answer. Then I sent her a message –
“Hi madam, I’m not calling for the money issue, I wanted to tell you that I just witnessed two girls fighting for your husband in town today, it was a big fight and he was just there watching, and then one of the girls managed to escape, got into his car and they drove away”, then l pressed the send button.
After some minutes she called and I ig<span class=”text_exposed_show”>nored, she kept calling & I saw 21 missed calls from her and a message which read – “where was the fight, where did they go, did you recognize the girls? Please tell me, am falling apart.” I just read and didn’t respond.
She called again 5 times and I didn’t answer, then another message from her – “I have your money can we meet and you tell me more?”
Then I replied, ok you can transfer the money so that I can go to the fuel station and refill, then I will pick you and drive to one of the girls’ place cause I know them.
After 2 minutes, I got a transfer alert message, my money was fully paid. I then switched off my phone and slept like a baby!!</span>My best mate is the best pranker ever. Every time i come home early he is always hiding naked under my bed waiting to jump out on me. How he sneaks in without the wife even knowing is beyond me. Legend!!.
A FROG GOES INTO A BANK
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen’s breasts for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s breasts.
The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber,Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to fuk off.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick!!..
Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don’t ask her out again.
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”
And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Police in Lagos,Nigeria have just broken into the flat of a man that had died.
They found 150 million pounds.
Checking his computer they found out he has been trying to give it away for the last 15 years, but nobody was replying to his emails!!
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the <span class=”text_exposed_show”>driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.</span>
I was at the local swimming baths and some asylum seeker was applying for a lifeguard job and the interview asked whether he could swim… I said “how the fuk do you think he got here!!
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It’s not proper to walk around without any panties on.”
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her.
When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.
The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says… “Lady, take this money and for God’s sake, go buy yourself a razor!”
My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette’s suffering girlfriend for years now.
I always wondered what kept them together.
Then I saw the fuking swear jar in his house!!..
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